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Moral Tales 










BY LADY *******. 








A Certain Lady of Faftiion, in the Chriftmas Holidays, 
formed a Belle Affemblee at the Seat of her Anceflors. 
On one of thofe Days, in paffing with her Company to the 
Eating-Room, through the venerable old Hall, me obferved, 
'Tvvas merry in the Hall, 
When Beards wagg'd all. 

You are not, faid fhe, to imagine that there were no Ladies 
there; but whilft our Grandfires were bufy with their Beards, 
cur Grandmothers were as bufy with their tongues. Betides, 
Animal fans Barbe, does not enter into the definition of our 
Sex ; neither is a Beard any effential Diftin&ion -, there are 
whole Nations of Men that have none at all. 

There were no Card-tables in thofe merry Days, no Trouble — '< 
Fete-politicks ; no Seccatori, or Profeffors of fmall Talk. 
Pray let us make a Trial, after Supper, of the Chriftmas 
Feftivities of thofe happy Times. There mall be a round 
Table, with the Ingredients for Mirth and Jollity, and we will 
meet here and fit round about our Coal Fire. 

At the Time appointed, the Lady of the Houfe prefented a 
Pair of China Bafons, one for the Ladies, the other for the 
Gentlemen, with Tickets, infcribed with the Names and 
Characters they were to take and perfonate for the Night ; the 
Hoftefs only excepted, who was to fet off with a merry Tale, 
and to call upon the whole Company fucceffively, for one of 
ihe fume fafhion. The effect of the Lottery may be con- 


ccived by the Examples following : The Parfon's Wife was 
drawn by a Countcfs; the Parfon, by an Alderman of London; 
the Baronefs, by a celebrated Actrefs ; the Baron, by a little 
good naturcd witty Dram: till: ; the Lawyer, by a Right Honour- 
able Captain of a Man of War ; the Phyfician, by a fprightly 
Officer, his procha'm Ami; and the Apothecay, by a Welch 

The Lady of the Houfe prefaced her Tale by obferving, 
that Squeamifhnefs, Prudery, and Affectation, were always 
banifhed upon fuch Occaiions ; and that in the narrative Style, 
they mufh conform, and Ihe would give them an Example, to 
the old Style of Chriftmas, and ufe the Licence of the Seafon. 
Right, faid the Parfon ; and as to you, Gentlemen, (I fpeak to 
every Individual) 

Age, L,'.beriate, Decembri, 

x ando ha Majores vohicre, hterc, Narra. 


i. CRAZY TALES. In a neat Pocket 
Volume. Price 2s. 6d. 


1 r.J a Frontispiece, reprefenting Crazy-Castle. In a large 
Size. Price 4s. fewed. 




RASH, poor, and ever in a hurry, 
'Till he was far advanc'd in age> 
A certain General like * * * * * * t 

At laft grew cautious, rich, and fage : 
With all the fublidies of life, 

All but an heir and a young lively wife ; 
Young fhe muft be, for reafons good, 
Not to excite paflionate dealings, 
To keep him warm with her warm blood, 
And to indulge his fober feelings : 
The wife he got, but left the care 
To Providence and her, to make his heir. 

B At 

( 2 ) 

At firft a blaze, or two at moft 

Appear'd, juft like a fire of ftubble, 
That cannot either bake or roaft, 

Or broil, or make the kettle bubble ; 
But feldom, after that aufpicious day, 
The noble General fired, except in play. 
One night he gave a falfe alarm, 

Which (he moft patiently endur'd, 
I thank my ftars there is no harm, 
She whifper'd to herfelf, infur'd,* 
Howe'er, to cover his difgrace, 
She let him keep manoeuvring round the place 
His nightly fondling and ftroking, . 
She bore with refignation meek ; 
When he became downright provoking, 
She made him quiet for a week. 
It was not oft, you understand, 
That me was fore'd to take the talk in hand. 
Tir'd of his motions and parading, 
To drop all metaphors of war, 
She made him flick to ferenading, 
To twang and finger her guitar, 
Like a child's fiddle, to divert young chicks, 
From clamb'ring up and playing naughty tricks. 

* Metaphor taken from a policy of infurance againft fire, for a trifling con- 



C 3 ) 

By independence held out to his dear, 

By a fincere emancipation, 
He gain'd, like Fox, peace and good cheer, 
Befides a helping hand upon occafion : 
As to their love, content with thefe conceflions,. 
They left their jewels to their own difcretions. 
The General thus addrefs'd the Fair, 

Toiling and tumbling in her neft : 
Get me a Deputy, indeed a pair, 
For fear of accidents, is beft : 
But firft, confult your wife, experienc'd dam, 
Trufl her judicious eye, my tender lamb. 
He might have fpar'd his curtain lecture, 
His tender lamb, for all her youth, 
Was never guided by conjecture, 
Or meer appearances of truth : 
Neither confenting nor denying, 
She took no meafures without trying. 
So by repeated trials, in the end, 

And wifely taking nought for granted, 
She found the fteady friend,. 

And deputy, the General wanted. 
In fine, without more fufs or teafing, 

She made her choice, and chofe difcreetly : 
Tlie ftream of time flow'd fmooth and pleafing, 
Not only plealingly, but fweetly ; 


( 4 ) 

So much, that the whole veteran corps, 
Envied the General more and more. 
Replete with gratitude, the Dame, 

Yielded to all his weakeft fancies ; 
And by a blufh of fimpering fhame, 

Vouch'd for his feats, and conjugal romances. 
All which, as I before related, 
Made the old General envied, if not hated. 
Young folks are apt, in many a cafe, 

Left to themfelves, without a warden, 
To difregard both time and place, 

Like Eve and Adam in the garden. 
They take a turn, they look about, 
And feeing nought to fear, conceive no doubt ; 
Taking their paftime in an arbour, 

Our friends were by the Chaplain fpied, 
Like frigates riding in an harbour, 

With their fails fuiTd, in naked pride : 
The Prieft, like Satan, iigh'd, and faw with fpite, 
Adam and Eve in primitive delight. 
Before they reach'd the bower of blifs, 

At the firir. glance, you may fuppofe, 
Down dropp'd the Prieft, fquat like a mils, 
Stepping afide to pluck a rofe. 
Cowering he watch'd, amidft the fhrubs hard by 
A.i envious toad, like Milton's wicked fpy. 



( 5 ) 

When the fcene clo^'d, the fpy withdrew, 

With marks of grief and indignation, 
Revealing every thing he knew 

Relating to the incarnation. 
Lock'd in each others arms they play'd, 

Faften'd and glew'd from head to foot, 
The pair conjoin'd, you would have faid, 

Were grown together like a double nut. 
Their fprings and movements equal and exact, 
As if they were but one in fact. 
The General fmil'd, and heard the Doctor's tattle, 
Calm and ferene, as in a field of battle. 
'Twas a fine fight, I envy you the pleafure ; 

I know, faid he,, your hate to blabs and praters, 
And am rejoie'd, and happy beyond meafure, 

That none but God and you were the fpectators. 
Depend upon't fhe fhall be told, 

When (he's difpos'd to go fo light and thin; 
To run no more fuch rifks of catching cold, 

But take her exercife within. 
I love my wife, I feel her merits, 

I am her doctor, and advife, 
For her hyftericks, and low fpirits 

This briik de-obftruent exercife, 

A huti- 

( 6 ) 

A hundred pounds a year 1 pay her iquhv, 

I feed him fumptuoufly, and therewithal 
The labourer is worthy of his hire, 
And always ready at a call. 
Know you, the General faid to the Divine, 
A General's lady better off than mine? 
The Prieft reply'd, and anfwer'd well, 
Sir, if I knew, I would not tell. 
I could name one, one every way, 

As capable, as brilk and ftout, 
A much more proper Cicejbi 

Either within doors, or without ; 
And one he faid, cocking his thumb, 
That would have done the job for half the fum. 


All tales and fables, long or fliort, 

-#Lfop's or Homer's, feign'd or true, 
Muil have a moral of fome fort, 

For our inftruction, fays Bofl'b. 
We learn this truth from Homer's fongs, 

When youth and infolence confpire, 
Grievous diflenfions and great wrongs, 

Arife from paffion fet on fire. 


( 7 ) 

His tale is founded upon anger, 

With anger's terrible effects ; 
This upon impotence and languor, 
With age's rifible defects. 
They both agree in one concluflon, 
Where there's no harmony ail is confuiion ; 
In ftates, in fenates, camps and fleets, 
And now and then in wedding meets. 
It an old fellow goes to bed 

With his young bride, and gets next morn, 
Inftead of his bride's maidenhead, 

The maiden-bride's contempt and fcornj 
The fureft way to fet things right, 
And to dojuftice to the bride, 
Is to get up and take his flight, 

Or take her General for his guide : 
Who fail'd through time with a fine breeze, 
Through pleafant days and nights of eafe : 
For the connubial clog and yoke, 

Heavy to me, not light to you, 
To him was a meer joke, 

Eafy it fat like an old fhoe. 


( 8 ) 



SUE, and another country lafs, 
With ploughman Dick, a gibing knave, 
Were at the wedding of an afs, 

And all of them look'd very grave. 
The marriage ceremony done ; 

The lafles cried, Dick, mew your {kill, 
If you are for a bit of fun, 

Chufe one of us, take which you will. 
Richard malicioufly reply'd, 

Thinking to difconcert the jades, 
Faith I would rather take the bride, 

If I might chufe, than her bride-maids. 
I do believe you, Dick, faid Sue, 

And jogg'd her partner, with a grin : 
We would take Jack rather than you, 

If 'twas not for the fin. 


This is not an immoral Tale, 

The Parfon to his praife and glory, 

Exhibited over his ale, 

A moral to his ^'poufe's ftory. 


( 9 ) 

If Mofes had not been fo clear 

And circumftantial in God's orders, 
The carnal appetites, I fear, 

Would often get beyond the borders ; 
There would be many a ftrange wedding, 
Some without either bed or bedding. 
If the Divine Legation had not fhewn it, 
How fhould unletter'd people know, 
Whether it was a fin or no ? 
Even Warburton would not have known it. 
And therefore, as I faid above, 

Mofes was told to teach the Jews, 
How and with whom they might make love : 

God would not let them pick and chufe. 
His chofen people all their lives, 

Lov'd novelties, as they do now ; 
God knew that they would leave their wives 

At any time to kifs a cow. 
The Jewifh ladies were like ours, 

Fickle, not nice in their amours ; 
And if it had not been forbid, 

Many might have been got with kid. 


( io ) 



THOMAS came running to the mill, 
As Will was {landing at the door, 
Would you believe it, neighbour Will ? 

Said Tom, my wife's an errant whore. 
With colours flying, drums a pair, 

I left her very hard at work, 
Toffing the Squire up in the air, 

As if he had been made of cork. 
You know the burthen is not light, 

He was not born to be a jockey, 
And to add fomething to the weight, 

His Worfhip was a little rocky. 
From my relation I prefume, 

Neighbour, you will conclude and gather, 
That he was in a plaguy fume, 

And fhe all over in a lather. 
I never thought, as I'm a finner, 

That Moll had any fporting blood, 
Of any kind of mettle in her, 

No more than in a log of wood. 


( II ) 

At any moment of a clay, 

My wife laid, Will takes as much pains : 
I make her pockets ring and play, 

Jingling her keys about like chains. 
And yet no fempflrefs with a thimble, 

That fits all day upon her crupper, 
Can be more mettlefome and nimble, 

Or readier for it, after fupper. 
Where did you leave your wife ? faid he = 

Behind yon' flack, where fhe lies dry, 
Run and peep through the hedge and fee, 

Said Tom, if fhe begin to fly. 
Will ran and peep'd, and then crept nigher, 
And then cried, Thomas, you're a lyar. 
I fee them at it, and fee clear, 

'Tis not your Moll, but my fweet Nell ; 
The devil, I hope, that brought her here, 

Will carry her back with him to hell. 
I knew, and would have laid my life, 

Said Will, if I had bid you go, 
To fee the paftime of your wife, 

You would nc_ run to fee the fhew ; 
But you would fcamper to the flack, 
To fee my wife upon her back. 


( » ) 

The only way that I would act, 

The only way I would advife, 
And the beft way to prove the fa<£t, 

Is to appeal to your own eyes. 

M O R A L. 

Segnius irritant animos dimilTa per anrem, 
Quam quae funt oculis fubje&a fidelibus, & qure 
Ipfe fibi tradit fpeftator. : 

An offer from one, of feventy-four, 

Was grateful to the royal hearing, 
If one-by-felf-one had offer'd one more, 

Keppel would think that one was jeering. 
The offer might furprife a tar, 

The Lawyer cried, taking off" Lee : 

To fee the L r man of war, 

I do confefs would furprife me.—— 
There is fome difference faid the fcoffer, 
Between an offering and an offer ; 
Sam offer'd Jack a horfe— where is he Sam I 
Sam anfwer'd, in the matrix of his da*2; 
Where are my fliips, cried Lewis, feize, 
That many a town and province offers ? 
Sire, faid the daughter of Therefe, 

Breeding like Spider's eggs, in empty coffers. 


( n > 




A Village Burgher, was Ralph Crop, 
A grocer without guile or malice j 
The mailer of the grocer's (hop, 

And of Ralph Crop, was Miftrefs Alice. 
When Alice was engag'd, her damfel Kate, 

When Ralph her fpoufe was abfent too, 
Did quite as well, for (he could fell and prate, 

Better, perhaps, than Crop could do. 
Crop was juft gone to market-town, 

And all the world was there— 'twas the fair day,— 
To buy his wife a cap and gown, 

To (hew his tafte, and make her (hew away. 
All the world knows, that certain glances, 
Interpret certain women's fancies. 
The Excifeman was a fine obferver, 

And faw from Alice's black eyes, 
That all the world could not preferve her, 

From being taken by furprife. 

E Tread- 

( 14 ) 

Treading the ihop, he caft the dye, 

He pafs'd the Rubicon and met her ; 
And in the twinkling of an eye, 

Carry 'd his point, and overfet her. 
He pafs'd the Rubicon, it means in verfe, 
He was not baihful for her looking fierce : 
At the firft onfet, Myles averr'd, 
He took the Lion by the beard. 
For Hercules, without a fcratch or rub, 

Taking pofleffion of that feature, 
With his great club, 

Terrify'd and fubdu'd the creature. 
Myles having conquer' d her difdain, 

(Alice and Myles were in their prime, 1 ) 
They did not fpend their hours in vain, 
But made the propereft ufe of time. 
Ralph was returning with his fairing, 
And at the door, juft after pairing. 
Neither fulpecting any harm, 

Behold Crop enters with his riches, 
A gown and cap under his arm, 

As Myles was pulling up his breeches. — 
I am glad you left the fair fo foon, 

His wife cry'd out— the Excifeman there, 
Whipt in juft now, this afternoon, 

Stark ftaring mad as a March hare, 


( 15 ) 

Had he not known you by your blowing, 

Had not he heard you at the door, 
That very moment he was going 

To f— t upon the parlour floor ; 
And fwore, that if I call'd or flir'd, 

The brute would make me eat his— merdc. 
What did you mean, faid Crop, by this ? 
Nothing at all, faid Myles, amifs. 
Behold faid one, that fhall be namelefs, 
Before her window, Miftrefs Blamelefs ; 
Poor foul, me looks quite melancholy, 

Try Myles, fome heads were made for horns. 
To try, faid I, would be a monftrous folly, 
Try to lick honey off the thorns ; 
Even fuppofe what cannot be fuppofed, 
I would not wrong a friend, fo well difpofed ; 
I'll put as hard a cafe, I think, 

A rump and dozen— let us wager, 
I'll make no love, but make a ftink, 

Shall cure her vapours, I'll engage her. 
Mind ; I'll untrufs down to the feet, 

And do my n— s before her face, 
Plump on the floor, and for my treat, 
She fhall be thankful and fay grace. 
If you had not ftept in between, 
I fhould have won the wager clean ; 


C >6 ) 

Nothing amifs was meant, I knew, 

M ' friend here, loved a harmlefs joke, 
The thought was comical and new, 

'Twould make him laugh ready to choak. 
Marry come up, my dirty Coufin, 
Said Alice, with your rump and dozen ; 
Laugh ! laugh at what, you filthy beaft ? 
If he had laugh'd at fuch a thing, 
1 would have made both his ears ring ; 
For one whole fortnight at the leafh 
Go, pay the wager you have loft ; 

I'm glad, faid Crop, that he was taken in, 
A rump and dozen's no fmall cofr, 

And as to laughing, let them laugh that win. 


A cafe in point, faid fly Sir John, 
To prove two heads better than one. 
One gives a hint, and only moves it, 
The fecond takes it, and improves it ? 
I grant your maxim, faid his Dame, 
If both their interefts are the fame. 
The Baron cried, the moral's fine, 
I fmoke two rogues, and one defign. 

I fee 

( »7 ) 

I fee too rogues together pull, 

Two patriots fet out together, 

In dirty roads and in foul weather, 
To make a fool of poor John Bull. 




A Taylor, bodkin-ftitch, in a few years, 
•*- -*- Grew rich, and is encreaiing (till, 
By the nice conduct of his fheers, 
And fkill in drawing up a bill. 
A bill, like any bill of Chancery, 
Or my Lord North's bill of Fine— anfery— 
His Budget like a giblet pie, 

FurninYd with gizzards, hearts and liver, 
Pinions, necks, feet, and blood for ever, 
And goofe-cap heads that once look'd high. 
Twelve miles from York, or thereabout, 

Stitch bought a farm, he call'd Surtout > 

His agent, every w r eek that came, 

Was fure to fend him a ftout hare, 
Pigeons, and now and then fome game, 
With rabbits, taken in a fnare. 

F In 

( i8 ) 

In tine, Stitch liv'd like any Lord, 

Any Lord Mayor, that draws long corks--- 
Turkcys and geefe fmoak'd on his board, 

Like gecfe upon his board of works. 
Befidcs, his farm produe'd him clear 
In cam two hundred pounds a year. 
Robin, a farmer, was his factor, 

The taylor would not part with Hob, 
So good a factor and transactor, 

For the beft regimental job ; 
Not to take meafure of the King, 

Although, perhaps, by fuch an honour, 
His wife, a proud difdainful tiling, 

Might not take quite fo much upon her : 
A Knight's third coufui, where's the wonder 
If Bodkin truckl'd and knock'd under ? 
Obferve, that every Eafter Sunday, 

Hob came to feaft on pafchal lamb, 
And then return'd on Eafter Monday 

To Tanfy pudding and a ham. 
The beds were full, when Robin came, 

As harmlefs as his namefake bird, 

Robin was tore'd to make a third, 
And pig with Bodkin and his Dame. 


( 19 ) 

Hob in his breeches went to bed, 

And Miftrefs Stitch was in the middle, 
Her face turn'd clofe to Bodkin's head, 
To leather breeches her bum-fiddle. 
Bodkin's horn foon began to blow, 
Hob was awake, and the alfo. 
On certain fignals from behind, 

Hob his maik'd battery difclos'd, 
Summon'd the fort, which was refign'd 

Upon the terms that he propos'd. 
They were oblig'd to take their leave 

At laft for fear of a furprize, 
Not without tears, you may believe, 

And deep in earneft clos'd their eyes. 
Recruited with a four hours nap, 

Hob gave her notice of his rifing, 
Firft at the door he gave a tap, 

And then a rap that was furprifing : 
As Madam Stitch in the conclufion, 

Receiv'd the coup- de- grace and was expiring. 
Bodkin was wak'd by a contufion, 

Studied the point and could not help admiring ; 
And then put back his hand, and lo ! 
He found Hob in the well below. 
Steal off, faid Stitch, and quit your ground, 
'Tis well for you Ihe fleeps Co found. 


( 20 ) 

If" my wife wakes and finds you got 

Out of your road, into her quarters, 
She'll fcratch your eyes out, (he's lb hot, 
And ftrangle you in her Bath garters. 
When I got tiit re, faid Hob, or how, 
1 know no more than you, I vow ; 
But in the well have got through thick and thin- 
Oft in my fleep I walk, they fay, 
And in my fleep muff, have walk'd in, 

Said Hob, that mull have been the way. 
Hob vanilh'd— -Mrs. Stitch loon after, 
FurniuYd another fcene for laughter ; 
She jogg'd her Spoufe, and whifper'd low, 
Is Robin up and gone, or no r 
Bodkin reply *d, at break of day, 
Two hours ago he ftole away : 
I dreamt, faid fhe, and then awoke, 

I thought 'twas you in fuch a cue, 
I doubted whether it was you ; 
1 thought you drove away like lmoak : 
I never felt fo much delight, 
Either in fleeping or awake, 
I was afraid 'twas fome miftake ; 
What would I give to dream it every night ! 
1 was furpriz'd to hud you grown 
So lufty, and with fo much bone, 


( *i ) 

And twice as ftrong, and ftronger too, 

Than when upon our wedding fheets, 
For all that I could lay or do ', 

You robb'd me of my virgin fweets. 
'Twas but a dream, faid Stitch, that's plain, 
I'll try to make you dream again ; 
He did his belt, and Morpheus feiz'd her foon, 
Bodkin got up at nine, the flept till noon.-— 


The fex, faid a phyfician of the college, 

Like men, are either faints or finners, 
Like Eve, they long fo much for knowledge, 

They fcarce have time to eat their dinners. 
The difference between them and us, 

Is this, the fex, both great and fmall, 
All look as innocent as pufs, 

The greateft hypocrite of all. 
But men oft glory in their fhame, 
And take our wives for lawful game. 
Put not your truft in leather breeches, 

Whether your wife's behind you, or before, 
They all can tell, they are fuch witches, 

Whether you fleep, or only feign a fnore. 

G She 

( 22 ) 

She knows her time, me gives an intimation, 
To Galligafkhis, and if he's inclm'd, 

He will accept of Madam's invitation, 

Juft as it fuits, before you or behind. 


T A -L E VI. 

Y Tale is every bit a Moral, 
A hint for delicate complexions, 
Black, brown, and fair, or red as coral, 

May benefit by my reflexions. 
In artifice, moil; of us deal, 

And ladies that affect fine feelings. 
Mean to declare, how fine they feel, 

All over in their tender dealings. 
Reach me that peach, faid I, my dear, 

It fets my teeth on edge faid Prue, 
It makes me feel all over queer, 

Has it not that effect on you ? 


( n ) 

Your teeth on edge, my dear ! I underftand, 

I would not give the creature any quarter, 
When you have got Eve's fruit into your hand, 

Mifs, I fuppofe, faid I, your mouth mufl water; 
Prue redden'd, not from fhame, but fpite, 
I fee, faid I, my guefs is right. 



A Merry {lory's better far, 
Than a lampoon or witty libel : 
Mine is from Margaret of Navarre, 
As true as any in the bible. 
Vrai comme l'Evangile, 'tis e'en, 
True as the gofpel, fays the queen. 
Three Merchants of Savoy, I know not when. 

Were travelling, each with his fpoufe, 
Pilgrims to Saint Antonio of Vienne, 

All of them bound by previous vows, 


( 2 4 ) 

In journeying to live together, 

Not like their fathers and their mothers, 

But like three lifters, and three brothers, 
As well in cold as in hot weather. 

Like them in beds apart to lie, 

In chambers feperate, but nigh. 
Leaft through miftake, fifter and brother, 

Or in their deep or in the dark, 
Might tumble one upon another, 

And the collifion ftrike a fpark. 
Which meeting with the tinder box, 

Is all that they require ; 
All luch combuftibles as fmocks, 

To make the leaft inflammable catch fire. 
They were all left in full poffeffion, 

Of every other fenfe, or tafte, 
That is to ufe them with difcretion, 

You know there's none, below the waift. 
At Chambery arriving, our three pair, 

Spared no expence at their hotel, 
Excellent w T ine and plenty of good fare, 

All appetites but one, fared well. 
They fupp'd, and feem'd fo loath to part ; 

The brothers, and the fillers both, 
I am perfuaded from my heart, 

Had much ado to keep their oath. 


( 2 5 ) 

The ladies to their room repair'd, 

To chat both in and out of bed, 
Their beds before had been prepar'd, 

Three, with one pillow, for each head. 
But were their huibands there, and thereabout, 
Inftead of one, 
Had there been none, 
I do believe they could have done without. 
I need not tell you, when three Dames, 

Gather'd together are undreffing, 
They call tilings by their naked names, 

So plain, they leave no room for guefling : 
When the difcourfe is turn'd from fafh.ion€, 
To certain objects of the paflions ; 
And in undreffing you may fwear, 
They mew their charms, and they compare,"- ■ 
Three Monks, all three Father Confeflbrs, 

That lay hard by, wonder'd to hear, 
The ladies talking like profeffbrs, 

In terms of art diftincl: and clear : 
which made the holy fathers rife, 
And Ji and and liften with furprife, 
Then gliding to the door they fpy'd, 

Up, on their beds, all in their fhifts, 
The three fair Dames that fcorn'd to hide, 
Any of God's bounteous gifts. 

H t'he 

( 26 ) 

The Monks, much cdifv'd retir'd, 
And by Saint Francis were infpir'd. 
They knew they lay without a mate ; 

And like brave foldiers of Saint Francis, 
Refolv'd they mould no longer wait, 

And iurFer for their hufbands fancies. 
Saint Francis mud have been their guide ; 

Mofl certainly Saint Francis knew, 
The ladies after the review- 
Forgot the key was left on the outfide. 
Now iilence reign'd, the fair ones flept, 

And out the watchful brethren came, 
Secur'd the door, and foftly crept, 

Each bold Francifcan to his flame. 
There was no time for them to fpare, 

For preface or folicitation, 
They feiz'd Time by the lock of hair, 

Without one word on the occafion. 
Finding their dears fo hot and greedy, 

And fo fbon up and on again ; 
The ladies, who were alfo needy, 

Found that refinance would be vain. 
One of the fitters had a notion, 

The alteration was fo fhange, 
That hers had taken fome love potion, 
To make fo very great a change. 


( 2 7 ) 

They bore it all with patient bearing, 

And without uttering a word : 
All the three wives, whilfl they were pairing, 
Thought theirs the only pairing bird. 
Each held her tongue, and took her feed, 
Pitying the two that flood in need. 
The Champions, after their great deeds, 

Gently retir'd, exhaufted quite ; 
And, with their baggage and their beads, 
March'd off as foon as it was light. 
The Merchants flept fo long, thanks to the wine, 

So well to both the parties fuited, 
Their heads, on waking, ach'd no more than mine, 

And their wives rofe, frefh and recruited. 
Then huddling on their clothes, in the meanwhile 

Their tongues perpetually wagging, 
The fmarteft cried, with an arch fmile, 

And with a tone of voice like bragging, 
Pray, were you wak'd, like me, laft night ? 

Had you a vifit from your Spoufes ?. — 

It yours were in as fine a plight, 

They rauft have been about your houfes 
Mine wak'd me, and away he fcour'd 

At once, and ran me out of breath ; 
I thought I mould have been devour'd ; 

Prefs'd, baJgg'd, and fqueez'd, and ciufh'd to death. 


( *8 ) 

Ours too were in as good condition, 

The others faid What could it mean ? 

It muft have been the prohibition, 

They all agreed, that made them all fo keen. 
Undoubtedly, faid Madam Smart ; 
Oft have I wonder'd, for my part, 
With what indifference they begin, 

And jog on in a lawful deed ; 
But let it be a mortal fin, 

Heaven's, with what ardour they proceed ! 

The men were up, and in their jackets, 

And were juft putting on their fhoes, 
When their wives enter'd with their packets, 

Full of glad tidings and great news. 
No wonder that you lay till noon, 

After your laft night's feats, faid they, 
To come and break your oaths fo foon, 

And make us break ours too, was not fair play. 
Each to her Hufband then repeated, 

How fuddenly fhe was furpris'd, 
How handfomely fhe had been treated, 

For which fhe hop'd he would not be chaftis'd. 
The fault was his, fhe had no blame ; 
She was fo hurry'd, 
Bated and worry'd, 

If 'twas to do again, (lie would do the fame ~i 


( ^9 ) 

You mull be drunk or mad, I fear, 

The hufband cried, 'tis a clear cafe, 
I never ftir'd, or I'm not here, 

Out of my bed, out of this place ; 
And fo they one and all declared, 
And look'd like fimpletons and flared. 
The women bluhYd up to the ears, 

Firft thought of this, and then of that, 
And their fufpicions and their fears, 

Made them begin to fmell a rat. 
A Merchant, wifer than the reft, 

Making a fign they underftood, 
Laugh'd and faid, wife, we were in jeft, 

My fins I hope have done us good. 
I hope, faid he, you'll wifh me joy, 

And our endeavours and joint labours, 
Will be productive of a boy, 

I wifh the fame, for my two neighbours. 
An act, faid he, you will allow, 

Of fo great merit, 
It mufl repair our broken vow, 

You know, we broke it with great fpirit. 
'Twas not enough, faid Miftrefs Sly, 

To break your oath, but you rauft run, 
And go to bed to make a lye, 

For which you don't deferve a fon ; 

I And 

( So ) 

And yet I hope and expect rather, 
Your fon will not be like his father ; 
With that the females in a titter, 
Retir'd to gather up the litter. 
The women gone, the Merchant cry'd, 
Brothers, you fee how matters go, 
Our ladies have been Monkcupy'd, 

Which is not lit for them to know ; 
We mull lock up this fecret in our trunks, 

For if the faithful partners of our beds 
Should know their obligations to the Monks, 

Monks will be always running in their heads. 
To pocket the affront is right, 

As to our wives 'tis beft you'll own, 
To lie with them ourfelves at night, 
And never let them lie alone ; 
Whether the ladies doubts were clear'd away, 
I never heard fo cannot fay ; 
But I have heard that ever after, 

Whene'er they met at any place, 
And look'd each other in the face, 
They fell into a fit of laughter. 
And with great gratitude and reafon, 
For their devotion in due feafon, 



( 3i ) 

His b letting Saint Antonio fent, 

With three huge boys, made and conceiv'd, 

Monaftically, 'tis believ'd, 
To the fix pilgrims great content. 


Cleave to your wives, the {"capture fays, 

I fay, that cleaving is a blefiing, 
But you mutt flick and cleave always, 

Or elfe your head may get a drefling. 
As clofe, as if you were tied and buckled, 

So clofe no creature can get at her ; 
You might my Lord, be made a cuckold, 

And I know nothing of the matter. 
To make a vow to leave your wife in danger, 

And let her lie alone and fob her, 
Is to lock up your cafh, before a ftranger, 
And tempt him to become a robber ; 
Which was exemplified you find, 
In three bold Monks, all of one mind — — 
This truth will follow from that fequel, 
Which ought to be obferv'd and known, 
That one of us left quite alone, 
Or three of us together, are things equal. 


( 3* ) 



Y ftory's true, as well as new, 

Of folks I know, that (hall be namelefs, 
Their real names are nought to you, 

I'll call my knight, Sir Jofeph Shamelefs. 
His lady's woman, Kitty Patience, 

With wicked eyes, her teeth two rows of pearl, 
And all the fequel of the girl, 
A complication of temptations. 
The knight had now and then the gout, 
To have it only now and then, 
Is of great ufe to many men, 
It has its merits without doubt. 
Amongft the proverbs of my fire, 

The gout I have often heard him call, 
The potent parent of defire, 

Without whofe aid his doings were but fmall 

I mean he was not half fo flout, 
And fometimes could not make it out 

At all. 


( 23 ) 

My Lady in her ftays, and Kitty lacing ; 

My Lady's fingers bufy round the border, 
Giving her fnowy breafts a proper bracing, 

To keep them at a diftance,. and in order : 
So proud and bold they ftand when they are parted, 
When they are near they droop, and look faint-hearted^ 

The Knight came in Said he, how finely 

You plump them out, they look, divinely 

Kitty's tetons have got no fray, 

They feem to fcorn any affiflance ;» 
If they fhould happen to give way, 

They'll turn again, and make refiftance : 
With that, he thrufts his hand into her neck ; 

My Lady turn'd about and fmil'd, 
Without the leafr. rebuke or check, 

She only faid, you mould not let him, child. 
Patience reply'd, with downcaft eye, 

I thought there was- no harm, as you were by > 

My Lady faid, no, not the leaf! 

Kitty, I have feen you quite undreff, ; 
If you will treat him with a feaft, 

Thefe two are vouchers for the reft. 
Kitty was then miftrefs of arts ; 

The Knight, without a cry of murther, 
Long fince had vifited thofe parts, 

And gone till he could go no further. 

K His 

( 34 ) 

His Lady knew that he lov'd change ; 

He knew her paffions were as ftrong, 
She could not be averfe to range, 

She was (o apt to fancy things and long. 
They went and came without each other's knowing, 

Both of them lov'd to change the fcene ; 
They never alk'd where they were going, 

Nor once enquir'd where each had been 

One day the Knight fell fait afleep, 

The Knight was in his gouty chair ; 
A Captain and my Lady fair, 

On the fettee in meditation deep. 
She rofe and went behind the fcreen, 
And he to fee what {he could mean. 
They ftay'd not there you muft have thought, 
Standing like fools and doing nought. 
At the conclufion of -their fport, 

And whilft the room and fcreen were making ; 
Sir Jofeph heard her breathing lhort, 

Tuft at the moment he was waking. 
He was acquainted with her notes, 

And knew, that from her dying fong, 
Her time was come, 'twould not be long 
Before fhe (hook her petticoats : 

Her petticoats to fmooth the gathers, 

Juft like a hen, that (hakes her feathers— 


( 35 ) 

As long as he could hear them prancing 
He would not interrupt their dancing. 
What noife was that ? Sir Joieph cried ; 

'Twas a ftrange noife I heard juft now, 
My lady readily replied, 

I can't account for it I vow ; 
For God's fake let us run away, , 

It was an earthquake I dare fay : 
An a-fe quake, laid the Knight, it was a fquall ! 
A fudden guft of wind, that's all— 
And fo (he faid the Captain faid before : 
The Captain's in the right, Sir Jofeph fwore.— 
They took their evening walk, (he and her friend, 

Kitty came down to make Sir James's tea, 
The Knight told Kitty in the end, 

What he had heard, but could not ftir to fee. 
If you can catch them in the fail:, 

And can but fee what I heard now, 
With proofs enough to get an Aft, 

Who knows but I may marry you ? 
Kitty you mall not lie alone, 
I'll either marry you or none. 
Patience, whofe name implies fubmiffion, 
Soon executed her commiffion, 
Kitty's was ocular demonstration ; 
The Captain fitting like a lout, 


( 36 ) 

Her Lady in a fituation, 

As if the Captain had the gout. 
Said he, do fhew me how fhe did it ; 

She anfwer'd modef%, I'll try ; 
And then fhe dandled it and flid it, 

And Kitty did it by and by. 
'Twas the fhff. time fhe play'd upon the ftage, 

But afterwards few could play better, 
In any part fhe could engage, 

The ablefl Manager could fet her. 
So far from bold, Kitty 'till then, 

Was fo difcreet, you, could not guefs ;. 
Especially amongfl. the men, 

Which were more modeft, Kitty's looks or drefs, 
But now fhe foon threw off the mafk, 

She gave herfelf prodigious airs, 
You may be fure, you need not afk, 

As well above, as below flairs. 
There was a Lawyer, that liv'd near, 

For whom at laft, Sir Jofeph fent, 
And order'd Kitty to appear, 

Having told the Lawyer his intent. 
Patience, faid he, it is no fhame, 

Be not afham'd to fpeak the truth, 
You mult defcribe the romping game, 

My Lady, romping with the youth. 


( 37 ) 

Kitty look'J down, put on a Frown, 

Look'd up, and then fhe look'd afide ; 
She pull'd a pin out of her gown, 

Look'd at the pin, and then reply 'd 

I faw my Lady with her legs aitride, 

Wagging her tail* upon the Captain's knee ; 
And after fhe had done her ride, 

Sit like a bird perch'd on a tree : 
Upon her perch fhe did not long remain, 

He gave a fpring, and fhe fet out again. 
I never could have thought of fuch a trick 

I faw it through my Lady's clofet door : 
The very fight made me fo fick, 

I could not ftay to fee it any more ; 
But ran directly from the place, 

And went into the open air, 
And after told his Honour the whole cafe ; 

Sitting exactly then, as he fits there. 
Altho' the gout had left his feet, 
Tell it again, he faid, and bring a feat. 
I knew Sir Jofeph's meaning, I dare fay ; 

Sir Jofeph thought that I would vary, 

In my relating her vagary ; 
He knows I always told it the fame way, 

For he has made me tell it o'er and o'er, 

A dozen times at leaft, if not a fcore 

L Did 

( 3» ) 

Did you fee rem in re ? faid he 

I did, faid (he ; firir, on dry land, 
I faw rem in my Lady's hand ; 
And after that, faw rem in re. 

She put it there ; T faw how it was teas'd 

Now it was quite up to the chin, 
And then again half out half in, 
Juft as my Lady pleas'd. 
Her flays and petticoats upon the floor, 
She in her lhift and gown, with nothing more ; 
And all the time her fhift and gown, 

Up to her moulders like a fliawl. 
As fhe went up and down 

I faw it all. 

The Lawyer faid, were you alone ? 

Was there none elfe ? Said fhe, not one. 

One witnefs, Madam, will not do. 
Why, Mifs, faid he, were there not two ? 

And as Sir Jofeph fent you out 

He told me fo ; 
Why would you go 

Alone to fcout ? 

I had a cafe the other night 

Exactly the fame cafe, as it was ftated, 
Between a Damfel and a Knight, 
But not by far fo well related. 


( 59 ) 

The evidence is not deficient, 
For there are three, two are fuffie'ent. 
And therefore I advife, Mils Kitty, 
To leave off fpying ; I know fpies 
That talk and fee, altho' their eyes 
Are not fo fine, nor teeth fo pretty : 
And females, that are as difcerning, 
But very fhort of Mifs in learning. 

Upon fome hints thrown out by Patience, 

Before my Lady, me from thence, 
Set maids to watch, made preparations, 

And got enough for her defence. 
Before the Lawyer's wife they came, 

With all the fads, clearly defcrib'd and well ; 
They could not have told him for fhame, 

All that fhe undertook to tell. J 
Sir Jofeph faid, Kitty, you fee 
A fpy is but a forry trade ; 
I found, I thought, one cunning jade, 
I find my Lady has found three. 
And therefore we mufr. be content, 
And lie together with my wife's con fen t : 
She will not care with whom I'm fleeping, 

Provided both are bound and ty'd, 
That information got by peeping, 
Shall not avail on either fide, 


( 40 ) 

So both remain, coupled per force, 

'Till Death has got her in his power, 

Or fhe's entitled to her dower, 
Neither can fuffer a divorce. 


There are not more than fix or feven, 

I think, at fartheft, in a year, 
Of weddings that are made in Heaven, 
All other weddings are made here. 
At concerts, balls, at fairs and races, 
Scarb' rough and all terraqueous places. 
Suppofe you have no friend above, 

And it fhould chance to be your fate, 
Inftead of a celeftial dove, 

To get a wild-goofe for your mate. 
E'en let her take her flight and roam, 

Never let that difturb your .reft, 
Provide a fubftitute at home, 

Of a bad bargain make the beft : 
The beft you can, I ought to fay ; 
The beft is putting her away. 


( 4i ) 


~T A D I E S, faid Frank, with ladies walking, 
-8 — ^ Pleafe to obferve that aviary there, 
Suppofe their finging goes for talking, 

Their down, for any downy hair. 
They are the types of our gay world, 

You know fine feathers make fine birds, 
Our belles like theirs painted and curl'd 

With crimfon cheeks, and breafts like curds. 
Our macaronies with their muffs, 
Are not like finging birds, but piping ruffs. 
The only difference I find, 

Our beaux are vain, the ruffs are proud, 
All our belles feign, theirs fpeak their mind, 
But are as talkative and loud. 
Pray ladies walk a little nearer, 
You'll fee the microcofm clearer ; 
Behold thofe lovers fitting cooing, 

With little interludes of billing, 
Others proceeding without wooing ; 
Both are fo amorous and willing ; 

M Theirs 

( r- ) 

Their hops, love-feafts and agapees ; 
Our balls, methodift night-wakes, cotteries ; 
That bird in difhabille alone, 

Is a fine lady in the pout, 
'Till her fine feathers are full grown 

Her ladyfhip frequents no rout. 

Said Lady Bridget your remarks are fmart, 

But where are there old maids I pray ? 
With your {harp eyes and all your art, 

Can you defciy one bachelor grown grey ? 
Faith, Frank reply' d, 'twould be the fame thing here, 
Could we contrail, like them, from year to year. 
Maids can contrail on credit now, 
She faid, but not with folks like you. 
Marry, and for your fins atone, 

A wife is eafy to befpeak, 
Tho' you are not a precious (tone, 

She'll take you for a verd antique. 
My fms might have been pardon'd long ago, 
I cculd, faid Frank, have married you, you know. 
At thirty, one may venture on a wife, 
At forty-eight, I dare not for my life. 
Liften, and 1 will tell you why 

At forty there is fo much danger ; 
Ladies a ftory hangs thereby, 

None of you ever heard a ftranger, 


( 43 ) 

In Lombard-ftreet there dwelt a Banker, 

Not quite a hundred years ago ; 
At thirty-nine he dropp'd his anchor, 

About the purlieu's of Soho, 
Service of plate, pinery, villa ; 

Yet God forgive him for his pride; 
And with a Venus for his pillow, 

This Banker was not fatisfy'd. 
In Parliament he had a feat, 

But by deep ftudy and reflexion, 
And by converfing with the great, 

He found the want of a connexion : 
That honour feldom is conferr'd, 

On people of our rank and flation, 
Unlefs it cannot be deferr'd, 

It requires great confideration. 
At laft, a Peer offer'd his niece, 

That had been offer'd to a pleader, 
A fine plump, buxom, roomy piece, 

Calculated for a breeder. 
Mifs and her Lover fcarce were feated 

At once me yielded to the Banker ; 
His errand was not twice repeated, 

Before he rofe to kifs and thank her. 
This alfo is the ton at prefent, 
And more compendious and pleafant. 


( 44 ) 

Upon the wedding-night, in fum, 
Having arriv'd at kingdom come; 

Attack'd the fort with his whole power, 
Forc'd barricades, gates, and portcullis, 
With its appendant chains and pullies, 
He broke into the dungeon tower : 
But when he thought his viiftory compleat, 

A fudden Tally forc'd him to retreat 

You never read of fuch a Knight, 

In any chronicle before, 
A little boy put him to flight, 

And drove him from the dungeon door : 
Screaming aloud, as the Knight fled, 
Behold the bride was brought to bed ! 


Hearing the fhout, the Bridemaids blufh'd ; 

One man cried, girls, the cattle's won, 
Such an affair mufl not be hufh'd, 

But the Bride's part feems overdone. 
Why fcream and fliriek, 'twas not like taking Troy ? 
Up with the poflet, let us wifti them joy. 
They ran up flairs ; then rapp'd and cry'd, 
Refreihment for the Groom and Bride ! 
After fo hardy an adventure ! 

No anfwer came ; the Bridgroom rofe, 
And leifurely put on his cloaths, 
Sat by the fire and bad them enter. 


( 45 ) 

Our Bridemaids thought the place was ta'en, 
That both the citadel and town, 
Were laid in afhes, or pull'd down, 
They heard the fhrieks and cries fo plain : 
At prefent, they have chang'd their mind, 
Said one, or elfe they muft be blind. 
For far from a triumphant form, 

His downcaft eyes and drooping crcfr, 
Pronounce it a defective florm, 
Or a drawn battle at the beil. 
The Bridegroom cried, the caufe lies yonder, 
A caufe to ruminate and ponder ; 
'Twould make the richefr. Nabob flare, 
Such an expence he could not bear ; 
Hardly the king, much lefs a peer ; 
If every time (he takes a bout, 
A Mafter or a Mifs pops out, 
What muft they mount to in a year ? 

On which he unclos'd the curtains where fhe laid, 
Somewhat abafh'd, but not difmay'd. 
He turn'd the cloaths down, and fubjoin'd, 

'Tis worth your while to fee what's in't, 
Ecce Homo ! Stamp'd and coin'd, 

An hour ago, frefh from the mint ; 
Then made his bow, and march'd off milling, 
Without reproaching, or reviling. 

N In 

( 46 ) 

In ten days after, (he and her homuncle, 
Return'd to their right honourable uncle. 
He knew, before he took her to Soho, 

The whole houfe knew it by the bye, 
She had not many weeks to go, 

But did not think her time fo nigh. 
A Privy Council then was fitting, 
In Cloacina's temple met, 

Of females arguing and fh , 

About a certain famous bet. 
What (hare my Lord had in the cow and calf, 
Whether the whole or only half? 
The fentence, without an appeal, 
Wrote on the wall, feal'd with the Privy Seal. 
The fentence written there, was droll, 

The calf mould not be cut in two, 
The Butler mould enjoy it whole, 

His Lordfhip might divide the cow, 
And Lord have mercy on her foul. 
Said, Lady Bridget, great or fmall, 
There is fome rilk, I do confefs, 
At forty, nay, perhaps at lefs ; 
Marry before, or not at all : 


( 47 ) 

Which for a moral, may lufrke, 
For any Bachelor that's wife. 


A Lady upon her wedding night was brought to-bed, in the Cent Nouvelles 

Nouvclles ' the Tale is taken from this hint the hint, and very little more 




AMONGST the Cent Nouvelles NouveUes, 
Some Tales unmodernis'd remain, 
Which I would not attempt to tell, 

Had they been told by La Fontaine ; 
And this of mine amongft the reft, 
Call'd Antidote de la Pefte. 
Said Mrs. Slip Slop that may be, 
But of all ftories I admior, 
Hans Carvel told by Matthew Prior, 
No one can tell a tale like he. 


( 49 ) 

Carvel, impotent and old, 

Iiis finger in his wife's gold ring; 
How do you know that it was gold ? 

The Doctor Or faid, 'iivas no fuch thing. 
Carvel's wife's picture, I declare, 
Is always drawn with auburn hair : 
Like Mrs. Slip Slop's, lock for lock; 

Bufhy, and curling very fine, 

Juft like the tendrils of a vine, 
About a flake or flumpy flock. 
Doctor proceed in your own way, 

My Lady cry'd ; Slip Slop have done, 
You talk and know not what you fay, 

When once your tongue begins to run. 
In Dauphiny, by his relation, 

A plague arofe that rag'd as fore, 
And caus'd as great a defolation, 

As that of Athens heretofore. 
When once the plague is upon duty, 

To punifh mortals for their fins, 
It neither cares for youth nor beauty, 

For high, nor low, for outs nor ins 

Upon a fweet young lady's face, 

It breath'd its peflilential breath, 
The fair one would not quit the place, 

Neither for the plague nor death. 


( 49 ) 
In cities ftorm'd, 'twere better far, 
Whate'er betide, 
For a young maiden to abide, 
And take the accidents of war. 
Struck on a fudden and difmay'd, 

To a good widow fhe repair'd, 
Who neither was herfelf afraid, 

Nor for her lovely friend defpair'd ; 
But gave her cordials, and in brief, 
Hope, the bell: cordial for grief. 
This is no feafon for difguife ; 

Have you, faid fhe, eat of the Tree of Life, 
That makes us at fifteen as wife, 
As a fage dowager or wife. 
The poor thing cry'd, oh ! if I had, 
I fhould not think my fate fo fad ! 
Many die young, and in full bloom, 
But few like me go to their tomb. 
Not one, if we could know the truth, 
When Love in every artery beats, 
With all the powers and charms of youth, 

Without once tafting of its fweets. 
Even now, Death would not be fo frightful, 
If I could get before I go, 
A hearty meal of what you know, 

And what I am told, is fo delightful 

O And 

( 5° ) 
And if God pleafe ; 
May be a cure for the difeafe. 
Her friend reply 'd, that is foon done ; 

For, God be thank'd, there are enow, 
Enow, that have nought elfe to do ; 
The fair maid cry'd, for God's fake run : 
I know at leaft of three or four, 
That I have oft' refus'd before ; 
One very much againft my will : 

'Tis matter John, bring him anon, 
For by St. Luke, my mafter John, 
Muft either cure or kill. 

Behold him ready at her beck, 
Behold her arms about his neck ; 
At once, pour vous le couper court, 

There was no petite oje, no toys, 
Like half fledg'd girls and foolifh boys, 
To anticede parfait amour. 

Finifh'd, repeated o'er and o'er, 
'Till mafter John could do no more. 
She ftay'd and play'd, not without pain, 
But found it all labour in vain : 
My dear, faid fhe, you have done me good ; 

I thank you for your good intention, 
But yet you cannot cool my blood, 

With all your goodneis and attention. 


C Si ) 

Go, my clear love, and go to bed, 
j*nd lend the Marquis in your ftead. 
He fent the Marquis, then laid down, 
Sent for the Curate and confefs'd ; 
And after that obtain'd the crown 

Of martyrdom amongft the blefs'd. 

The Marquis far'd the very fame, 
And dy'd without quenching her flame. 
The Widow recommended next, 

A fubjecT: for the vacant chair, 
A fwain that never was perplex'd, 

Either with thinking or with care ; 
Form'd and conftrucTred on a plan, 
To build a compleat Widow's man ; 
During the whole co-operation, 

Far more fevere than I can paint, 
'Till he was forc'd to quit his ftation, 
She never utter'd a complaint. 
He went home jaded you'll believe; 

But how, without St. Luke's protection, 
He mould efcape without infection, 
Is not fo eafy to conceive. 
Her father hearing me was fmitten, 
Sent a fedan and chairmen able, 
To bring her home as was befitting, 
But firft to land her in the ftable, 


( 52 ) 

'Till they were ready to receive her, 
And all things got that could relieve her. 
As frefh as when ihe firft fet out, 

Before (he went to the peft-room, 
She took a handfome farewell bout, 

Concluding with her Father's Groom. 
The Damfel, when her bed was ready, 

.Leaning upon her Nurfe, retir'd, 
Refign'd and fteady ; 

And four hours after the poor Groom expir'd. 
Conlign'd to her old Nurfe's care, 

She had not lain above two hours, 
before the fweat broke out in fhowers, 
Next came on each fide, you know where, 
A bijoux very fine to fee, 

This like her watch, and that like her etwi : 
Then fell into a fleep profound, 
And wak'd next morning fafe and found. 
Three months were paft, the fac~l was clear, 

She prov'd with child, nor would deny it 

To her good Mother, as you'll hear, 

She own'd, in part, how (he came by it.— — 
Three of the candidates were gone, 
Three fhe deftroy'd you know before, 
Three out of four, 
Therefore it fell to the furviving one ; 


( S3 ) 
Oa whom me was beftow'd in marriage ; 

And put an end to all difpute, 

About the planter and the fruit, 
Next day by a mifcarriage. 


Nature has taken fpecial care, 

If you connder and examine, 
To guard the fair, 

Againft plague, peftilence and famine. 
Therefore we ought to give God praife, 

That they're not fcarce, but in great plenty, 
Or otherwife, for fuch a dainty, 
We mould be cutting throats always. 
For our fakes, Ladies, and your own, 
If there mould happen to appear, 
The Influenza, like laft year, 
Follow this regimen alone. 
As to the dofe, I cannot guefs, 

Unlefs I knew your conftitution, 
It may be more, it may be lefs, 

But more or lefs, take it with refolution. 

This you mull: note, 
A plague requires, much more than a fore throat. 


( 54 ) 




APOTHECARIES are not fir, 
None but Apothecary King, 
To deal in gallantry or wit, 

They may tell tales, or ditties ling. 
Always providing and iuppofing, 
They are not of their own compofing ; 
As I am call'd on in fucceffion, 
I fhall flick clofe to my profeflion. 
A Quack, in a fmall country town, 

According to report, 
Got great renown, 

For his great cures of every fort. 
He never ufed to bleed or blifter, 
Or to give bolus pill or potion, 
His panacea was a lotion, 
Or a detergent, call'd a clyfrer ; 


C 55 ) 

And tills was conftantly apply 'd, 

Upon the fpot where he refided, 

To every backfide 

That would abide it. 

A Cobler came from a great diftance, 

With a full confidence pofTefs'd, 

Imploring his affiflance, 

Taking him for a conjuror profefs'd. 

For he had heard in various places, 

Of his fuccefs in conjuring cafes. 

Belide his flail and cobling gift, 

He kept a ltye, 

And therein kept a boar whereby, 

He made a tolerable lhift. 

An ancient pig, of that fair fex, 

Came on a vifit to the boar, 

The boar was gone, which needs muft vex, 

And make the matron gruntle fore. 

The Cobler's trufr. was in the cunning man, 

He fearch'd woods, vallies, hills and plains, 

But ah in vain, tor all his pains ; 

So to the conjuror he ran. 

The Ladies ought to know before 

Your Tale goes on, lid the Phyfician, 

The definition of a boar 

'Tis Mrs. Slip Sloj: s definition 


( 56 ) 

An animal with a curl'd tail, 

With teftiblts like melons more than figs, 
The moft continuaceous male, 

Ingenioufly contrived for making pigs : 
Pigs, made between fleeping and waking, 
They take fo long a time in making. 
From whence, by Mrs. Slip Slop's leave, 
To make the matter ftill more plain, 
A metaphor is ta'en, 
That from her drawing you'll conceive. 
Thus, all the maccaroni corps, 

Call a long ftory, or narration, 
Which is a flow dull operation, 
A boar. 
You underftand it now, thanks to your veftal ; 

And, my dear Ladies, I implore you, 
Hark to the Knight of the great Pcftle, 
I promife you, he will not boar you. 
The Cobler fqueezing through the crowd, 
The Dottor heard him afk his aid, 
But could make nought of what he faid, 
The Doctor's patients talked fo loud. 
Take him away, the Dodtor cried, 

Convey him quickly to the artift, 
Let him immediately be plied 

With an injection of the fmarteft. 


( 57 ) 

On which they took him as directed, 
And all at once, not by degrees, 
Criipin was copioufly injected, 

Then fet at large, paying his fees. 
As he march'd home, he made a flop, 
The remedy began to work ; 
Which forc'd the Cobler to uncork, 

A dunghill drank it every drop : 
Like bachelors and black-legg'd gamblers ; 
Boars run about and are great ramblers. 
Our Cobler's boar was lodging there, 

And grunting at the noife, put out his fnout, 
On which the Cobler turn'd about, 
Held up his hands, and utter'd a fhort prayer. 
The Lord be prais'd, faid he and for the fame, 
Laudamus to the Conjuror's name. 
Not only he, his wife, his filler, 

The Parifh and the Vicar too, 
Believe it was the Do&or's clyfter, 

That found his pig out, what think you ? 


( 55 ) 


In times of troubles and of war, 
A Conjuror's no bad vocation, 

Better by far, 

Than in a quiet fituation. 
The country vulgar always run, 

To the Attorney, Parfon, Squire, 
Or London Rider to enquire, 
Whether or no they are undone : 

And we that think ourfclves their betters, 
Apply to fome great man of letters : 
To Doftor Johnfon, not the amphibious ; 

To Doftor Prieftley, Franklin's rival; 
Or to the reverend and ambiguous 

Mr. Wy 1 ; 

Who fend us to fome cunning man, 
To Fox or Burke, 
Or my Lord Smirk, 
The cunningeft of all the clan. 
Thefe mount the therapeutick roftrum, 
One deals in amulets and charms, 
Another fells a famous noftrum, 

That animates, correds and warms ; 
The third, a fubtile diftillation 
To numb the fenfe of amputation. 


( 5; ) 

If any of them mould by chance, 

Gucfs right, and make a lucky hit, 
Mercy upon us ! how they prance ! 

How we ling praifes and are bit. 


This Tale in part is taken from the Cent Nouvellcs Nouvolles ; it is not every 
one that can read them ; if the reader can, he is defired to compare with thofe, 
the Tales that are in fome meafure borrowed from thence, and which are always 
mentioned ; and he will obferve, that the author, is neither a translator, nor an 
imitator; but has an indifputable right, with Fontaine, to originality. Th« 
Lady is too modefl to have made the rcqucft herfclf, it is made at the requcft 
of die publisher. 

F I N I 8. 


Los Angeles 
This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 





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